Monday, August 13, 2012

Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Watched: Bourne! Total Recall! Wimpy Kid!

The Bourne Legacy
The Bourne series continues even though Matt Damon had to leave to go get fitted for hats, or whatever it is that he’s up to these days aside from starring in popular movies. This time Bourne is Hawkeye and nothing is at it seems! Or whatever. Something in the commercial talked about altered genes, so I guess Bourne is like a sci-fi hero now or something, which seems like a legit angle to take the series. Why rest on success?  Best to make it weird.

In a nutshell: Do people love Hawkeye enough for this to work? Yeah, it’ll do okay.

Total Recall
Remember all the times you never wished for a remake of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1990 opus “Total Recall”? Of course. Still, if they updated the three-boobed lady, that has to be cool, right?

Wrong! Because the first one was rated R and this is PG-13 claptrap meaning the three-boobed lady has three dressed boobs the entire time which makes having three boobs literally as useless as having thee boobs. And not only that, but it’s three boobs and Colin Farrell, the ostensible fourth boob? Is Benny the cab driver in this at least? Kuato? A midget hooker with a machine gun? What the hell is the point of this movie?

In a nutshell: This is a disgrace.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days
If my knowledge of children’s movies is as sound as I think it is, then this is the third movie in the Wimpy Kid series. So that implies these movies are popular. My knowledge of these films is limited to a recollection of a commercial for the last movie in which a fat kid danced to Ke$ha in a way that indicated the producers were expecting you, the audience, to find that funny and not awful in every way.

I saw a preview for this movie somewhere and noticed that the kid who stars in it is probably officially too old to be doing this anymore as he’s entering that monstrosity phase of his teen years in which his nose is too big and he’s too gawky and awkward to pull off a likeable youngster any more. He probably just “Haley Joel Osment-ed” his career through no fault of his own.

In a nutshell: If you have kids, you’re going to pay to see this. Have fun.

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